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What About the Kids? By Fr. Jerry Foley My friend, Michael McManus of Marriage
Savers, reminded me on 9-11 that we have neglected a larger disaster than the
falling of the twin towers in Could some of those marriages be saved?
Perhaps most of them could if we took marriage more seriously. One invisible contributor to divorce is the
no-fault divorce laws now prevalent in most states. Any spouse can easily get
a divorce even if their partner wants to make the marriage work. This week I have spent time with two such
situations. One involves a couple married in the Catholic Church nine months
ago. He has moved out and filed for divorce. It’s
sad not only because the wife does not want a divorce but because assets are
usually divided equally. She will likely lose the house which before the
marriage belonged to her. The other was a couple also married in the
church less than two years ago. In this instance, it is the wife who wants out.
The husband is grasping for answers to save his marriage. Studies where counseling was mandatory
prior to a divorce reported more than half of the couples stayed together.
Many couples who consider divorce and wait a bit also find their marriage
improves. In Retrouvaille, we see many couples trapped in misery and ready to
leave the marriage. Most of them are able to achieve a healthy marital
relationship. Parents generally deny that their children
will be victims in a divorce. Yet children of divorce are twice as likely as
those from intact parents to drop out of school, three times as apt to get
pregnant as teenagers, six times as likely to be in poverty, 12 times more
likely to be incarcerated. When I mentioned to a prison chaplain that
statistically ninety percent of those in Dr. Judith Wallerstein
reports that two-thirds of children of divorce are unable to form lasting
bonds with someone of the opposite sex. Another more visible contributor to the
high divorce rate is the lack of support for marriages. A friend reports hearing a comment about
the bride at a wedding: “She’ll make a good first wife for Brian.” On a recent Retrouvaille weekend, a young
man said “This is the first time I have experienced someone who believes in
marriage. My family and my friends are all telling me to get a divorce. They
treat marriage like a used car. If you’re not happy, get rid of her and trade
up!” What happened to the sacred promises people
made on their wedding day to love and honor each other for the rest of their
lives? Did we forget the wisdom of the instruction given spouses in the
Catholic Church just before their vows: “You are about to enter into a
relationship which is most sacred and most serious. Love requires sacrifice.
Sacrifice is usually difficult and irksome, but love can make sacrifice
possible and perfect love can even make sacrifice a joy.” I see a reflection of the lack of respect
for marriage in two recent ads in the Minneapolis Star. One reads in part:
“WHAT TO DO WITH THE JEWELRY YOUR FIRST HUSBAND GAVE YOU. If you have fine
jewelry that’s lost its sentimental value, you may as well take advantage of
its monetary value. Whether it’s the bracelet what’s his name gave you that
reminds you of a handcuff, or the ring that should’ve gone in his nose, we
want it even if you don’t.” The other is the advertisement of a divorce
lawyer: “I’M NOT A SHARK. I am a divorce attorney. Even though my line of
business forces me to be aggressive and cruel to men, I am a human being with
caring and professional morals. Let’ work together and show that scumbag that
you are not weak and fragile. You are an independent woman who’s going to
take what is rightfully yours. Beware of the bottom dwellers that suck you of
your youth and energy while they play with your emotions. Let me be there for
you.” Who is playing with hurting women’s emotions? Why is the church silent in the face of a
society that seems to place so little value on commitment? Why don’t
individual Christians speak out on this issue as they do on pro-life issues?
When we value life, we have to also value conditions that contribute to a
healthy life for both children and their parents. I believe it is time we get rid of no-fault
divorce laws. They don’t promote equity. They rather contribute to a massive
social problem that is devastating our nation. And in the face of the powerlessness most
of us feel to change what is happening to marriage in our society, I am
reminded of a statement popular here in ________________________ Retrouvaille is in most major cities of Fr. Jerry Foley works as a priest in the
Twin Cities of Minnesota. He currently works in hospice ministry as well as
with Retrouvaille and Catholic Engaged Encounter. He is the author of five
books, including Courage to Love … When Your Marriage Hurts available from
Ave Maria Press. Contact: Retrouvaille |
