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SPECIAL: Trust in Marriage - Retrouvaille By Fr. Jerry Foley Tim and April, a cohabiting couple, were
planning marriage. She talked about separating until their wedding day. Their premarital sponsor couple asked what
it would take, then, for them to live apart. April immediately responded “I’d
never trust him.” In counseling spouses, I have often heard
“I’ll never trust him again!” Couples who come to the Retrouvaille program
for hurting marriages generally have a shattered trust. Because trust is so
essential to a healthy marriage, team couples share their stories of how they
learned to trust again on both the weekend and post weekend follow-up
sessions. Mistrust is as corrosive to a relationship
as acid is to metal. When trust is lost, a spouse can’t feel safe. Thoughts
of separation or divorce then provide a feeling of relief. The hurts that destroy trust are not always
as major as infidelity. Janice said about her workaholic husband, who made
promises but didn’t always fulfill them, “I should trust him but I can’t.”
For Mary, the trust issue was finances because of her husband’s secrecy and
the fact he got them into serious financial trouble. One of the most important steps toward
building a stable marriage is learning how to rebuild trust. Alice’ struggles
to trust her alcoholic husband continued far beyond the end of his drinking. Trust is the keystone of a committed,
intimate relationship. Without trust, even the mildest struggle can cause our
relationship to unravel. Trust is both a belief and a decision. It
is a firm belief in the honesty, genuineness and reliability of me and my
spouse. Trust is a decision to risk being
vulnerable with my spouse. It is also a decision to be responsible for my own
trustworthiness, which does not depend on my partner’s behavior. The decision to trust is often influenced
by our past. I may have learned not to trust long before I met my spouse
because of hurts that I suffered at home or in other relationships. Every spouse brings some baggage from their
past into the marriage. It might be that parents were critical and pointed
out all of our faults and we now use self-protective behaviors to hide our
secrets. Or we may carry guilt from past failures and hurts that make us fear
rejection, for example if we were rejected in a previous relationship. If I don’t trust myself, it’s hard to trust
another person. Our self-protective behaviors keep us from intimacy. TRUST IS THE KEY TO INTIMACY Trust and commitment depend on one another.
It’s hard to trust if I think my spouse is not committed to our relationship.
If I’m not committed, I’m likely not going to open myself completely to the
relationship either. Intimacy can best be achieved when the
belief in and decision to trust is mutual. I need to take full responsibility
for my own trustworthiness, to focus on my own behavior. Trust is best fostered by honesty about me.
Secrets and vulnerabilities from my past, such as being hurt by sexual or
emotional abuse, can affect my behavior and our relationship. If the
incidents are affecting our relationship now, it may be important to share
this with my spouse for the good of our relationship. Everyone is entitled to
privacy. Keeping secrets, however, often results in feelings such as
loneliness, isolation or alienation. Fear is the enemy of trust. We tend to
think of fear and trust like two ends of a teeter-totter. If fear goes up,
trust goes down; if fear diminishes our level of trust can go up. But fear is
an emotion and trust is a decision. I can make the decision to trust even
though my fear level is high. Placing trust in a spouse who has the power
to hurt us is often the scariest decision we are called to make. We may fear
that our spouse will abandon us in the face of conflict, anger, or
disagreements. If our spouse has lied to us, we have doubts about trusting,
even in little matters. Checking up constantly on our spouse’s behavior or
truths won’t help increase trust. Trust and being trustworthy are strong
themes in the New Testament. Some of Jesus’ most powerful words were “Fear is
useless. What is needed is trust” (Mk 5:36). Paul reminds us that we are
Christ’s servants and “the first requirement of a servant is that he/she
prove trustworthy” (1 Cor. 4:1-2). Most couples desire a deep intimacy, a deep
sharing of themselves with each other. The willingness to expose our true
selves to one another is the basis for intimacy. The risk is in direct
proportion to the level of trust between us. Asked “What is the most important component
of a long-term marriage?” couples answered “trust.” Once we no longer trust
one another, everything in our relationship changes. We start to protect
ourselves from the pain of being hurt, of misjudgments and criticism. Trust is investing faith in our spouse.
Mutual trust is a close companion to honesty with each other. Trust is a very
fragile quality in a relationship, but it is the foundation for marital
closeness or intimacy. When we trust another person, we sense that we can
afford to be open and to be ourselves. Trust makes it possible to be less
defensive. Rebuilding trust can take a long time after
lies, infidelity, or betrayal. Ultimately, it is a decision I make to be open
and be vulnerable again. It need not wait until the other person proves he or
she is trustworthy. REBUILDING TRUST It is important to remember that the
process of rebuilding trust begins with me. I demonstrate my willingness by
honesty, integrity, and personal trustworthiness. Telling the truth rebuilds
trust. After betrayal and hurts, spouses need to be ready to talk with full
disclosure of facts. Recovery of trust is impaired by sharing piecemeal facts
or using excuses and rationalizations. For example, in one survey of couples with
trust problems because of infidelity, when the unfaithful spouse answered all
questions, 86 percent of the couples remained married and 72 percent rebuilt
trust. When the unfaithful spouse refused to answer questions, 59 percent
remained married and 31 percent rebuilt trust. Honest communication led to
restored trust and an improved relationship that was often better than before
the affair. The marital intimacy scale says that
rebuilding a relationship begins with openness and listening. We need to
share and to hear each other’s feelings, needs, and expectations. Both
spouses are responsible for rebuilding the relationship. Willingness to be
accountable is essential. Knowing what is really going on is the only way a
traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Being responsive to each
other’s feelings and needs provides a reassurance needed to rebuild trust. Willingness to change is also an essential
ingredient in rebuilding trust. We reestablish trustworthiness through
specific changes in behavior. Apologies and promises are not enough, the
reassurance comes with observable change. Some of the more important changes come
with removing the barriers to trust that we have developed throughout our
disillusionments and hurts. We may have to give up trying to control the
other, using silence, withdrawal, seeking revenge, or acting like a martyr.
We do these behaviors to avoid getting hurt again. Our fear of being hurt is
often greater than our desire for intimacy with a spouse. Rebuilding trust is the keystone of the
recovery process for hurting marriages. While the betrayed partner will never
have the same unquestioned faith that marked the beginning of their
relationship, trust can be rebuilt and the relationship as strong as at the
beginning. Judy, who once told me on a Retrouvaille
weekend that she would never trust Fran again after she discovered his
infidelity, now says “It is such a freedom in a relationship to have trust
with one another. We now love and trust one another unconditionally.” Jesus was right. “What is needed is trust.”
_____________________ Retrouvaille is in most major cities of North
America. Information is available by calling 1-800-470-2230 or on the web
site at http://www.helpourmarriage.com/.
Fr. Jerry Foley works as a priest in the
Twin Cities of Minnesota. He currently works in hospice ministry as well as
with Retrouvaille and Catholic Engaged Encounter. He is the author of five
books, including Courage to Love … When Your Marriage Hurts available from
Ave Maria Press. Contact: Retrouvaille |
