|
Retrouvaille
– A Safe Environment to Talk By Craig & Mary Noke
There’s nothing more enjoyable than
holidays and summer picnics with our grown children and their spouses! We
tease and laugh, bluster and boast, and generally have a good time. What could
be more life affirming? The experience of sharing in these memorable
gatherings is such a wonderful gift. Yet, even in the midst of such good humor,
our children watched us squabble over trivial disagreements. Neither of us
saw the folly of having to be right or needing to say the last word in
expressing a difference of opinion. To calm the waters, our son joked about
the “The Craig and Mary Show”, making the intensity of our exchanges all the
more pathetic. How could two people live together for over 35 years in such
disharmony? This history of petty bickering made it
seem inevitable that our marriage would unravel. What kind of model were we
for our children’s married relationships? We both felt pain, hopelessness,
rejection, and a lack of trust. Marriage Encounter programs offered to enrich
already solid marriages but what about the rocky ones like
ours? Friends told us of Retrouvaille and the hope it offered for troubled
marriages. In a moment of lucid communication, we decided that we had nothing
to lose by entering a Retrouvaille program and everything to gain. At our Retrouvaille weekend we discovered a
safe environment to talk with each other about differences and uncover hidden
feelings. We received ground rules, a nifty set of communication tools, and
the freedom to hear and be heard by our spouses. Sessions offered insight
from couples who had navigated much deeper crises than we had, giving us the
reassurance that we could restore trust to our marriage. The excellent staff
of volunteers, weekend veterans themselves, brought us through our initial
doubts about the Retrouvaille process. During 48 hours of truth telling, our
leaders kept us engaged in every stage. Activities ranged from attending
talks by the leaders, to socializing at meals and during breaks, and sharing
in the celebration of Mass with our chaplain. Quiet, private sessions meant
no TV or newspapers to distract from the important business of focusing
attention on our spouse. There were prayers for each couple, from total strangers,
expressing genuine desire that the weekend make a positive change in each
marriage. The support from Retrouvaille extended to
12 post-weekend sessions during which we practiced and expanded on the
basics. Making the one-hour trip to each meeting became a great adventure for
us. We found country roads as alternative routes to our meeting site, tried
new restaurants, and even packed a picnic and ate at the beach before one
meeting. The question arises: After completing
Retrouvaille, do we still have squabbles? The reality is “yes”, that we still
disagree and express our disagreements. What we have gained from Retrouvaille
are the tools to express our feelings, to have those feeling accepted, and to
move toward resolution of our differences. We’ve closed down performances of
“The Craig and Mary Show”, which our family greets with quiet relief as they
welcome our remodeled relationship. Keeping up with the entire Retrouvaille
approach as CORE members (Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience) gives us
the opportunity to maintain communication skills and share our stories with
others in troubled marriages. The program has changed our outlook on our
marriage, restoring optimism, trust, and hope. Information on the Retrouvaille program is
available by calling 1-800-470-2230 or on the website at http://www.helpourmarriage.org/
|
